Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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