I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
