I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize