You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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