if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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