I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
