She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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