Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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