just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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