Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
