so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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