you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
