I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
