I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Please don't give away my fajitas
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