dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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