That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
