I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
