glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
