My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
This house was built for laser tag.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize