hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
