That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
