You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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