My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
