My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize