Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
