I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
