After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
