Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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