whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
