I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can't turn off my feet"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
