I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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