it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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