my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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