I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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