I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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