I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
