Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
