If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
