Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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