I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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