who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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