he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
