I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
