i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
