FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
