I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
