I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
