We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
