grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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