Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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