i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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