no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
