first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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