You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
