best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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